I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
