i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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