Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
