I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
