Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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