I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
