Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
