Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
