party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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