I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
