No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
