Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
