I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
