Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
