Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
