i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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