I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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