Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My liver just had a heart attack.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
