I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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