u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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