why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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