My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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