Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
