i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
