mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
