just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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