I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Randomize
