I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
