Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
