I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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