I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
