so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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