he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
