Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
