She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
