I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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