the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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