did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
