Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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