from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
