i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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