I think i peed on brittanys purse
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
