And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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