Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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