I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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