Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
