chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
