she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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