Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
