Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
